Once upon a time, I had boyfriends. Yes, that’s a plural. Apparently, I didn’t learn form my first forays into heterosexuality, so I kept coming back.
I always knew there was something not quite right, but like almost any other non-Gold Star lesbian out there might tell you, I thought that I would eventually find the right one. All the while, I was fooling myself into thinking maybe I could fall in love with one of these guys. In fact, I thought I was. Or maybe I was forcing myself to think it was love. I’m not really sure, actually. I had 3 serious, pretty long-term relationships over the course of high school and the first half of college, and I figured in the spirit of National Coming Out Week, I’d explore what each of them taught me, and how I got to where I am today. Maybe no one will care at all, or maybe you’re all as nosy as I am.
Boyfriend #1: Freshman-Sophomore years of high school
The first boyfriend I ever had was also the first boy I ever kissed, for real. It was horrifyingly disgusting and sloppy, and I prayed that this wasn’t what I was really in for for the rest of my life. Now, it seems like this relationship happened in an alternate universe, in a galaxy far, far, away.
I didn’t really want to date him in the first place, but I was a freshman in high school, and this guy liked me, and that was cool, right? And we were already sort of friends, so why not? In hindsight, that was item number one in a long laundry list of obvious lesbian tip-offs. I didn’t just not want to date him. I was kinda turned off to the whole idea of dating. Rather, who I thought my options were.
Obviously, we weren’t anything serious. We were like, 14 years old. But I was pretty pissed when I found out he cheated. Well, he tried to cheat, and the girl wasn’t into it. LULZ. And then he IM’ed me and told me he wanted to break up. In retrospect, that’s hilarious to me, but at the time, I was really upset. I’m actually surprised that this relationship even lasted this long, because he was really weird and wanted a lot more out of me than any freshman in high school should ever even be considering. And that’s gross. I don’t really think about him anymore, in fact this is the first time I have since high school. Except for when I had to block him on Facebook, because he kept messaging me about his girlfriend. How weird is that?
But what did that teach me? How did that “turn me into” a lesbian, you ask? Well, maybe it didn’t teach me anything right away, but looking back I actually learned a lot. That’s the first time I can remember second guessing dating guys. I never had to think about it before, really, so I guess it was never something that was relevant to me. But it was also my first relationship- where I learned what I didn’t want in a partner (I hate that word), what to expect in a relationship, “horror” stories of what could happen, and how I would react to those things. At the time, I told myself that I had learned to examine people’s character more carefully, but turns out I didn’t really learn from that lesson.
Up Next: Boyfriend #2, or “How I Let Some Guy Take Over 2 Years Of My Life, & Didn’t Even Realize It”