Into The Light: My Coming Out Story

In case you missed it and are actually interested, last post I explored my first boyfriend.  Yes, you read that right.

I’m gonna level with you guys. Trying to relate these unwanted boyfriends to lesbianism was a lot harder than I though it was going to be. I was hoping I could look back and remember a lot of lessons I learned that I could then relay to how I got to where I am, and then I realized that none of that came from them.  It came from ME. But I still did learn some things in these relationships, so I am going to touch on that, because those are actually relevant to my current relationship.

And then, of course, in the spirit of National Coming Out Day, you get my story!

My second relationship can only be described as a whirlwind of emotion wrapped in a tornado of emotional manipulation.  My parents didn’t approve, and I would sneak around to try and see him.  And he didn’t like when I would skip out on hanging out with him in favor of not getting in trouble.  He’d make me feel really horrible about it, like it was my fault, or like I was the problem here.  Obviously, my parents were right to not want me dating him.  Anyways, we pretended to break up because we were in high school and that’s what we thought would throw my parents off the scent, though I was pretty sure that was an excuse for him to sleep around his freshman year of college.  You see, I had found out a little before we left for college that in the way super extra early days of our relationship, he had sex with a troll.  And he lied about it at the time, and then finally told me after we had been dating for… I’d say at least over a year.  And you know what I did? I stayed in that relationship.  Because I was a fucking moron.  The biggest lesson I ever learned from a relationship was self respect, and I didn’t learn it until way after this relationship was over. I didn’t even realize how shitty I was being to myself by staying in that relationship, until I was finally free of it.  I let him manipulate me into thinking that I needed to do things to make him happy to make up for not being with him more frequently. But I was “in love”, and love is blind.

In college, I met a guy that went to high school with one of my very good friends.  We were fast friends- we were both sarcastic and had a similar sense of humor.  Somehow, we were in a relationship.  A long distance relationship.  I know that’s some crazy shit.  I was cool with that, because mostly we just talked a lot, and there wasn’t as much in the relationship type stuff.  Over time, I could tell he was getting really serious about this relationship, and I wasn’t.  But I didn’t know what to do.  I know, any normal person would think “Oh, maybe I should break up with someone that I don’t want to be with in the first place”, but I’m pretty sure we already established how dumb I’ve been.  Long story short, I was taking a lot of my alone time to try and figure out why I was continually uninterested in my relationships.  Around this time, I had met this girl in my bio lab that I was inexplicably drawn to. I found out that she worked at the coffee shop that I had just started working at.  I couldn’t shake this feeling that she was somebody important.  So I made it a point to become friends with her.  I know she thought I was crazy, but I asked her to sit with me in class.  I tried to study with her all the time, we had lunch, we went to movies.

Like this one

While we were becoming closer friends, I was falling harder for her every day.

She wasn’t really that into my boyfriend, but I figured it was just because they were so different.  She’d get irritated when I would talk about how I felt stuck, but I figured she just was sick of me whining.  This is the only relationship where I look back and I feel legitimately bad about what happened. He didn’t do anything wrong.  In fact, he treated me really well.  He was super sweet, would help me out once in a while when I was too broke, and he’d come visit pretty frequently.  Only, I kind of preferred when we’d just Skype.  Those were the times I actually enjoyed the relationship.  But when we’d visit, everything seemed a lot more real, and I wished I was hanging out with her instead.  I never meant to hurt anyone, and I would have hated if the same happened to me, but I finally had to break it off.  I couldn’t stand to make myself any more miserable, or to lead him on any further.

With that relationship in my past, I swore that I wouldn’t ever get into another relationship I didn’t want to be in.  My friend and I were moving in together,and we would get to spend all our time together.  Finally, one (drunken) night, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.  I confessed my feelings to her. Once it came out, I was scared shitless. I thought she was going to want to move out and I’d never see her again. But, with the angels shining down upon me, she admitted that she felt the same way.  I don’t think I have ever felt happier in my entire fucking life.  I really hope that I don’t come off as heartless, talking about two ex boyfriends and a girlfriend within one post, but the truth is, figuring out where you stand, and how life really is-well that’s messy.  I never would have intended for my life to be like this.  And looking back on when I met my girlfriend, I never would have seen us being where we are today.  But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.  And I credit her for being the force that pushed me into realizing what had been going so wrong all this time.  Without her, and the rest of the lesbians I had somehow surrounded myself with, I might still be uncomfortable with the idea that I was gay.  But seeing so many lesbians leading completely normal lives and being so comfortable with themselves helped me be just as comfortable.

So obviously, the majority of my friends were just fine with it.  A good chunk of my college friends are gay, play rugby, or work at Starbucks, so I mean… basically the same thing.  There are some friends that I don’t see as much, and I’m not sure that they know.  Though I spam their newsfeeds with Her Gay Agenda stuff, so if they don’t know, they’re not the fastest pitchers on the softball field.  A lot of people from high school aren’t surprised.  The ones that knew me really well, especially.

My parents, well, that one was interesting. I really only came out to them about 4 months ago. I had spent a whole weekend with my parents and I had made up my mind to tell them.  But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I was literally shaking, when I finally told me dad.  I felt really bad and kind of angry because he kept asking if it was his fault for not being around enough when I was little.  FYI- that’s not how gay works.  He doesn’t really talk about it.  My mother was a funny story- by which I mean she accidentally found out because I didn’t put the right privacy settings for her on Facebook.  But she was fine with it.  And my stepmother, she’s the best.  She actually read my blog.  I’m not sure whether she’s really into it, but that’s a big step, I think.  Especially from her and my dad kind of ignoring it at first, like maybe it would go away.  Or maybe that’s just how I read it.  Her and I went to dinner last month and we had a long talk about being gay and politics, and of course, Ellen- who she loves.  All in all, it’s ended up positively, at least so far.  I’m really blessed (which is something I never say- so you know I really mean it) to have such a supportive network of friends and family.  I only wish that more people had the support that I’ve received.  I’m not going to say “It Gets Better” but I will say the Pride Student Union’s slogan of the week, which is that you belong.  No matter what else is thrown your way, you belong to an incredibly amazing and supportive community and network of people that exists wherever you are.

Whoo, that was a long one! Thanks for staying with me (if you did). Of course there’s more details, and I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have, commiserate over potentially lost time, or help you out if you need it.  Just leave me a comment or shoot me an email: hergayagenda@gmail.com !

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4 thoughts on “Into The Light: My Coming Out Story

  1. Pingback: Top 5 Stereotypically Gay Shows/Movies I Used To Watch That Should’ve Tipped Me (And Everyone Else) Off « Her Gay Agenda

  2. Pingback: I’m Super Awkward. « Her Gay Agenda

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