Lesbian’s Guide To What Your Man ACTUALLY Wants (My Plea To Cosmo)

I have a dirty little secret.  Even after coming out, I still will read a Cosmo from time to time.  There’s something about how raunchy it can be that I appreciate in print.  I used to read it in high school because I thought it was kind of amusing to read the sex tips, and I’d see if there was anything in there I didn’t think was too ridiculous.  Typically, not the case, which you will understand if you’ve ever read a Cosmo.  They consistently have these huge lists of tips, and they’re all obscenely ridiculous, like “when he’s not paying attention, stick your finger in his asshole.” Ladies- I can’t believe I have to say this, but DO NOT do that, under any circumstances.I’m aware many people will disregard this, on account of the lesbian part.  You’re obviously new here. A lesbian can still read Cosmo, and I definitely know that what they’re selling- your boyfriend/slam piece is NOT buying it. This goes along with my theory that straight girls have been doing the gay best friend thing all wrong. For example, when out shopping, a lesbian will be the one to tell you what a straight man will actually find attractive on you.  A gay man typically doesn’t have that same insight.  Here’s a newsflash- lesbians and straight men like a lot of the same things!

Also, I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last post- shit’s getting hectic.

Anyways, so there are a lot of other things I read in Cosmo- the style sections, the beauty tips, and I love a good personal interest story- it’s like Lifetime movies in print.  But what I’m really in it for is the outrageously long lists of sex tips from both men and women.  My favorites are the ones that are “from men” that are like “I go wild when my gal acts like she’s going to nibble my dick off”

A)No guy talks like that.  You’re blowing your cover, Cosmo

B)Why are you telling these women such outrageous things?! Any sane woman would understand that anything involving teeth will surely hurt someone, so WHY?!

Every time I read these lists- and I always wonder why I still do it-I find at least 5 million things I would tell my friends to NEVER EVER do to their boyfriends.  Whoever comes up with these lists- I’m assuming you’ve never done this before, or you’re just seriously fucking with the straight women of America.

I realize that Cosmo is for a very straight market.  So they put all this stuff about straight sex, and what you should do with your man, etc.  And for the date ideas, you can easily substitute “what to do for a romantic night out with your girlfriend” in your head.  But would it really hurt to be a little more inclusive?  I’m sure that ever mentioning or including stories about lesbian women wouldn’t ruin magazine sales.  I know there are gay magazines out there- but gay magazines don’t exactly abound in my grocery stores.   It would be really cool to see something accessible and widely accepted that accepts me.  It’s kind of a let down that Cosmo sort of perpetuates this idea that only straight women are into beauty and fashion.  I could even understand if they didn’t feature an butch lesbians.  I kind of get that, it’s not really your target.  But there are plenty of us out there that are femmes just looking for the same content straight ladies are.  Is it so much to ask that every now and then you acknowledge our existence?


5 thoughts on “Lesbian’s Guide To What Your Man ACTUALLY Wants (My Plea To Cosmo)

  1. “Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.”

    What are these people thinking?? Not only is that not appealing to him (hopefully it isn’t), but I’m not feeling too sexy after consuming an entire doughnut. Come on, Cosmo.

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